Respect: Is It Earned or Given?
Steve stormed into my office, slamming the door behind him.
“My son doesn’t respect me, and I won’t take it!” he panted. His hands shook as he sat down, still riding the wave of his anger. Then came the confession:
“I just beat him up. He should remember who raised him.”
The silence that followed was heavy. And it led us straight into a question worth asking: What is respect? And more importantly—is it something that is earned, or something that should be given automatically?
The Illusion of Forced Respect
When parents resort to physical punishment, the lesson is clear in the short term: fear works. A child may comply out of self-protection, but compliance is not the same as respect. Fear teaches children to shrink, to avoid, to hide—not to honor. And as they grow, fear loses its power. Hitting may silence a child at age eight, ten, or thirteen—but eventually, the control stops working.
Different Parenting Approaches
Parenting styles offer us some insight here:
Authoritarian parenting emphasizes obedience, often enforced by punishment. This approach may secure short-term compliance but often erodes trust and fosters resentment.
Permissive parenting avoids setting boundaries. Children may feel loved but lack structure, leaving them unsure of how to navigate respect in relationships.
Authoritative parenting balances warmth with structure. Respect is modeled and taught through both boundaries and empathy. Children in these environments tend to thrive because they learn that respect is mutual—not demanded.
Respect as a Mirror
The truth is this: children learn respect by experiencing it. If they are dismissed, belittled, or physically harmed, they internalize that as the language of relationships. If they are listened to, guided firmly but fairly, and treated with dignity, they mirror that back.
I turned back to Steve and said, “How can kids learn respect if they were never treated with respect? You can’t demand what you haven’t modeled.”
That moment wasn’t about shaming him—it was about opening the door to a different way forward.
The Takeaway
Respect isn’t a one-way street, nor is it a prize to be won by dominance. It is a practice, a lived experience, a mutual exchange. As parents, the way we speak, listen, and guide shapes how our children understand respect—not just for us, but for themselves and others.
So the next time the door slams, maybe the real question to ask is: What am I teaching my child about respect in this moment?
