Self-Sabotage: What If It’s Really Protection?

“Self-sabotage.”
Ugh. Even the words give me the ick.

It’s a label we often throw around when we see people caught in the same harmful patterns again and again. From the outside, it looks simple: If you really wanted to get better, you would. After all, you keep choosing this.

But is it really that simple?

The Hidden Side of “Bad Choices”

When we step back and view self-sabotage through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), the picture shifts dramatically. What looks like self-destruction is often self-protection.

Think about it: those parts of you that cling to chaos, or that push you into the same destructive loops, are not trying to ruin you. They are trying to protect you from something that feels far worse. The alternative—the unknown, the vulnerable, the possibility of loss—can feel too threatening to even consider.

Chaos as Safety

For some, chaos becomes a kind of safety. It’s familiar, it’s predictable, and it’s controllable in ways that peace or vulnerability are not. If pain is inevitable, the part that “self-sabotages” might think: I’d rather be the one to cause it than to sit helplessly while it happens to me.

That illusion of control, however damaging in the long run, can feel like survival in the moment.

A Compassionate Reframe

So instead of slapping on the judgmental label of “self-sabotage,” what if we paused and asked: What is this part of me trying to protect?

Because beneath the chaos, the avoidance, or the destructive habit is usually a scared part trying its best to shield you from pain. That doesn’t mean we need to stay stuck there—but it does mean we can approach it with compassion rather than shame.

The Takeaway

Self-sabotage is not a sign of weakness or lack of willpower. It is a misguided but deeply protective strategy. When we begin to recognize that, we open the door to curiosity, healing, and ultimately—change.

After all, healing doesn’t start with judgment. It starts with understanding.